Rock On 1

"You're so 'andsome, Marc."

"Thanks, Ringo."

"Like, really really 'andsome."

"I appreciate that."

"Can I touch yer face?"

"I'd rather you didn't."

"But I'm a Beatle."

"Nevertheless I'd rath--"

"I'm gonna touch it..."

"Will someone go and get my wife, June, please...?"

Photo Opp 1

"Nice Lee... Looking good in that coat! Yeah, let's see those rings...."

CLICK

"Fantastic, Champ... Yeah, check out those biceps on Hulk.... you can't believe it!"

CLICK

"Haha! Perfect Cyndi, do what Hulk's doing..."

CLICK

"Nice, Wendy...  Stay out of the way."

CLICK

"Okay, let's try a new look, guys. Do something else... Anything else..."

CLICK

"Guys, that kind of looks the same...  Maybe gimme an angry look now... Lee... Lee... " 

Can Lee hear me...? What do you mean, his face can't move? Who gets surgery to look like that? 

"Hulk, give me any other pose that comes to mind... That's the same bicep, Hulk."

Remind me again why he won't take off the headband...  That's ridiculous. If he wants the illusion of hair, he should start wearing bandanas.

"Wendy, maybe put your arms around Lee... What now...? Seriously?" 

Who's allergic to mink?

"Cyndi, gimme some of that pop-star ego... Not your thing? No problem."

Sheesh, that voice.

"That's still the same bicep, Hulk."

How did this stiff ever win the title? Wish I could bring Piper back in here. That photo shoot was a dream. 

"Okay, everyone... Listen up... Let's uh... Ah, fuck it."

CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK

On Location 7

"Well, we were at Shepperton for a sequence on the docks, but we're here at Elstree starting today."

"And what are you boys up to?"

"It's a period piece, Mr. Nicholson."

"Petticoats and britches, eh, James? Are you journeying to the center of the Earth again?"

"No, it's a rollicking mystery set in Victorian London."

"Hey, we've all gotta pay the bills. Nothing wrong with a little prostitution, artistically speaking. This here's a spook film I'm working on--"

"No, no, it's actually a brilliant script. It pits Sherlock Holmes against Jack the Ripper."

"Your voice is perfect for Holmes, James."

"Point of fact, I play Doctor Watson."

"That sounds fine to me. Everybody wants to play quarterback, but there's no shame in carrying the water. Am I right?"

"I say--"

"Your father's a terribly talented man. I don't know what crap he's making now, but have you girls seen Lolita...?"

"We're leaving, children."

Besties 3

"Anyway, that's where I found this hat. Same place Joe bought that ukulele."

"It's a cuatro. Not a ukulele--"

"It's a ukulele, Joe."

"It's not a ukulele, Mick. It's a cuatro, from Venezuela."

"It's not Venezuelan--"

"It bloody well is Venezuelan. They use it in joropo, a sort of fandango music that originated in the plains, east of the Andes..."

"I know what the man in the shop told you, but it's a ukulele. It's tuned GCEA. A cuatro's got reentrant tuning."

"Never mind all that musical mumbo jumbo. I'll hit the last string... Hear that? It's a B..."

"That's an A, Joe."  

Besties 2

"I tried to get Leonard on Hooker, but he said no."

"I said maybe, Bill."

"Leonard's maybes are other people's noes."

"We're here to plug the movie, Bill."

"Why did you mention plugs? Is that a crack on my hair? This is a weave, Leonard."

"Ha! No, Bill. Tell them about the sequel, Final Frontier."

"I directed. So I'll get the blame. But I want to remind you all about the writer's strike last year. The script was not where I wanted it--"

"Bill--"

"Not to mention that the budget was over twenty million less than the first film's--"

"Bill--"

"Just a minute, Leonard. Finally there's a lot of comedy in the film, but it's not played for laughs. It's social commentary--"

"Jesus, Bill, we all know the film sucks, but give it a chance..."

"I knew you hated it!"

Besties 1

"So you couldn't go to the Emmy Awards with me because you were bowling with Skippy from Family Ties...?"

"His name's Marc, and he's not a threat to you, Michael."

"You don't think I know that? I'm the King of Pop!"

"I know--"

"There is none higher!"

"I know, Michael."

"You must wanna get tickled?"

"Don't you fucking tickle me!"

"Who wants tickles...?"

"Do not tickle me!"

"Tickle time!"

"I'm... a... Haha! God... damn... Hahaha! Black... belt!"

Strange Bedfellows 10

"We'd love to take a picture, thank you. Truman's my favorite author! Make sure you print that."

"I'mmm your hossst...Lionel Twwwain."

"He's just joking... Tru... Stay awake. He's such a joker!"

"A commmplete vegetabllle diet..."

"He's always trying to get me to slim down! Tru... What's wrong with you? These are reporters... "

"You all missstake what you asssume... They nevvver leffft the dining roommm..."

"Tru... Stand up straight. He just adores wordplay! Such a genius."

"Count the nummmbersss one to tennn... Turn the knob... and try againnn..."

"Truman's just-- "

"Jamesss Coco is a BITCHHH!"

"Umm... Have any of you guys seen Mr. Waters?"

"A BITCHHH!"

Mammal 2 Mammal 5

“No, fuck you!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

“FUCK YOU!”

“All right already, Manis!”

"Oh, so you know my name? I wasn't sure, because I'M NOT IN THE CREDITS!"

"All I said--"

“I am not the one--Tony Danza, Mr. Big TV Star--I am not the one to fuck with.”

“All I said was, I think we should rehearse the scene again.”

“This isn’t Shakespeare. It’s a goddamn ape-themed comedy. This genre didn’t even exist three years ago. Then Clint Eastwood wakes up in the middle of a fever dream about an orangutan, and all of a sudden my brothers and I lose our tricycle act--and the only thing anybody wants to see me do is drink beer and flip people off. Well, I didn’t train for three years at Uncle Willy’s Primate Stunt Farm just so I could play to the lowest denominator. I am an actor. Would you ask a… a human... a Burl Ives or a Wally Cox... I mean… Jesus, it’s hot in here. I uh…”

“You want some water...?”

“Make it a beer.”

Strange Bedfellows 9

"Hi, I'm Steve McQueen, and I served in the Marine Corps from 1947 through 1950..."

"And I'm Jackie Gleason, 4-F."

"No matter if you've served honorably in the armed services..."

"Or were too portly to serve..."

"It's important to remember that blindly following morons doesn't make you a patriot."

"Especially if the President is A BUM!"

"And whether in-person or over mass media, there's no excuse for bullying."

"Especially if the President is A BLABBERMOUTH!"

"So remember--"

"A BLABBERMOUTH!"

"So--"

"BLABBERMOUTH!"

Jamming 5

🎶 🎶 "I lost myself on a cool damp night...
I gave myself in that misty light.
Was hypnotized by a strange delight...
Under a lilac treeeee... 🎶 🎶

Who the fuck let Don Adams in the control booth...?"

"He said you invited him--"

"I did not! I say that most assuredly!"

"Okay.... He's leaving, Mr. Price."

"I did one episode of Get Smart last year, and that nightclub vagabond has been a plague upon me ever since!"

"He's gone, Mr. Price. He won't get in again--"

"I made the mistake of being his plus-one for a Coasters concert at The Cinnamon Cinder, but that does not a friendship make!"

"We're very sorry, Vincent. Please don't let it throw you. Can we--"

"It shant throw me. I'm a professional."

"Would you like to take a break, or--"

"Fuck it, I'm going again! Punch me in... 

🎶 🎶 I made wine from the lilac tree,

Put my heart in its recipe...

It makes me see what I want to see...

And be what I want to beeee... 🎶 🎶

I see you, Adams! I see you!" 

Jamming 4

"What time you got, Mikey?"

"Half past dread...."

"What now...?"

"Half past dread."

"Dread-thirty? What's that in, like, Greenwich mean time?"

"I'm just messin' wit'chu, Paul. Time to head to the studio."

"Don't bother. Mick's bringin' in his girlfriend to sing on that Hitsville track."

"Ellen Foley...? Dat's today? We gotta go!" 

"Why?"

"I love Bat Outta Hell!"

"You like Meatloaf?"

"I love dat big sexy byyastard--but my favorite part of de record is where the deejay starts toasting."

"I don't remember any deejay on that, Mikey."

"He's called de Scootah!"

"Never heard o' him."

"Paul--ya nevah heard of de Scootah? Hear ya now...
'Battah steps up to de plate... 
Here's de pitch... He's going.... 
And what a jump he's got, he's trying for turd... 
Here's de trow, it's in de dirt! Safe at turd! 
Holy cow, stolen base! 
He's taking a pretty big lead out dare... 
Almost daring him to try and pick him off.... 
De pitchah glances over, winds up, and it's bunted! 
Bunted down de turd base line.... 
De suicide squeeze is on! 
Here he comes--squeeze play--it's gonna be close, 
Holy cow... I tink he's gonna make it--'"

"Stop right there!"

Jamming 3

"Let's run through Moment's Notice again, Lee. I wanna get it right."

"Can I take another shot at the solo on Locomotion?"

"Hell no, I love what you did with that bent-ass horn."

"Hehe. Dizzy gave me this."

"You coming to the Five Spot later? Monk would love to see you...."

"I can't."

"You at Slugs' tonight...?"

"Nah."

"Where you at then?"

"I'm home. Have Gun--Will Travel is on."

"What the hell is Have Gun--Will Travel?"

"It's a new western, premiered last night. I'm already hooked. There's an encore presentation tonight."

"C'mon, Lee. Art's gonna be there. He's been talkin' about you joining the Messengers. You're practically in. Just gotta show your face--"

"Have Gun--Will Travel is on at nine-thirty. I'll swing by afterward, maybe around eleven."

"You serious...?"

Paladin--that's the cat's name--carries a forty-five caliber revolver in a leather holster with a silver chess knight symbol on it. Dresses all in black, real clean--"

"Sounds pretty cool, but--"

"He hands out these badass business cards--and check out the theme song--"

"I don't need to hear--"

🎶 "Have Gun Will Travel reads the card of a man, 
     a knight without armor in a savage land. 
     His fast gun for hire heeds the calling wind. 
     A soldier of fortune is the man called Paladin...." 🎶

"What time you say it was on?"

Jamming 2

🎶 "Cabo Wabo!" 🎶

🎶 "Wango Tango!" 🎶

"That L.A. Weekly review was right! This is totally what it would sound like if Guy Fieri made music!"

"That can't be a bad thing, Sammy!" 

"Oh, yeah! Keep playin' that sweet lick, Ted.... Here comes the Red Rocker..."

"Yeah! Freestyle it, Sammy!"

"Here we go... 🎶      Got some Cabo Wabo and I'm drinkin' it down.... 🎶 Throwin' back that agave and I'm hopin' I drown... 🎶 Yeah! That Cabo Wabo just quenches my--"

"Hang on, hang on.... Sammy, let's try one without any mention of Cabo Wabo...."

"How 'bout Beach Bar Rum?"

"No. We're not writing a commercial."

"I thought we wanted to sound commercial. If I wanted gritty realism, I'd have stayed in Chickenfoot."

"Look, I don't even drink. Try something else, okay?"

"Okay, hit it... 🎶 Got to Cabo San Lucas and I'm lookin' for a tasty dish now! 🎶 Try the Meatloaf Cupcake at the Red Rocker Bar & Grill now!"

"Stop! C'mon, Sam. That doesn't even rhyme."

"Now totally rhymes with now...."

"I am going to hunt you."

Jamming

"Merle, it sure is a crazy coincidence that you were in the audience at one of my San Quentin concerts."

"You might say I was a captive audience, Johnny."

"Well now, I thank you for not tunnelin' out! Haha! You coulda tunneled out just like that little fella in The Great Escape; what was his name?"

"Steve McQueen?"

"Nah, the little Scottish fella.... What the hell was his name...?"

"I dunno, Johnny. Hey, how 'bout we sing that Jimmie Rogers medley...?" 

"June! What was that little Scottish fella's name in The Great Escape...? Nah, not him--the Scottish fella!"

"We could sing somethin' else if you want?"

"He gets shot at the fence, June! You know, after the Nazis find the tunnel named Tom...."

"What about a rendition of Sing Me Back Home, Johnny?"

"Just a minute, Merle. It'll come to me. I can see the little dude's face... Red-headed... Face kinda like a ferret...."

"Why don't I kick it off, and you join in whenever you're ready, okay...? Johnny...?"

"Had a nose sorta rodent-like...."

"Uhh, okay.... Here we go... 🎶 The warden led a prisoner down the hallway to his doom... 🎶 And I stood up to say good--"

"Ives!"

On Location 6

"What're them assholes marchin' for now?"

"It's an anti-gay rally, Jim."

"Dagnabbit, Don. Just yesterday they's marchin' against immigrants. Time for that it was Black people. Now they's marchin' against me...?

"They're marching against everybody; just give 'em time." 

"Signs all got misspellins... all they contractions is mixed up--"

"Oh, they're ignorant as hell, Jim. It goes with the hatred. What they really are is cowards."

"Those who lack the courage will always find a philosophy to justify it."

"Pithy and true!"

"If ya think about it, I guess our show could be doin' more for integration--"

"I'm always sayin' that to Andy! How the hell did you make A Face In The Crowd, and there's only one type of person living in this fake town?"

"Don, the only way to deal with an unfree world is to live so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion."

"You're gosh-darn right! Meanwhile these bastards are free to march right past our set. Tell you what...these fellas are goin' straight to hell."

"Hell is a special favor, which honors those who persistently harass it...."

"What the hell, Jim...?"

"I been readin' a shit-ton of Camus."

On Location 5

"Yaphet, what'chu doin' out here?"

"Had to get some air. Jim Backus just bent my ear for an hour."

"Oh, that motherfucker's relentless. Good stories, but after a while--"

"Do I really give a fuck if Van Johnson tried to grab his dick while filming The Pied Piper of Hamelin?"

"He's nice, though."

"He's nice, Pam, but he keeps tryin' to get me to sign on for an episode of some shit called The New Adventures of Gilligan."

"What the fuck? They're finally gonna get some color on that island? Hey, might be good for little kids to see a Black man on--"

"Yeah, a cartoon Black."

"Well, you know those shows always soften the edges on Black charact--"

"No, no, I'd be an actual cartoon. It's animated."

"Oh."

"Yeah...."

"Hmm... So Van Johnson tried to grab his dick, huh?"

Mammal 2 Mammal

"Fred MacMurray, Artie Shaw, Robert Taylor... Farley fuckin' Granger!"

"She is who she is, Frank."

"Ava just will not stay faithful to me, Snuffy."

"Faithful? Come on, Frank. Aren't you still married?"

"Not really, kiddo. Ava forced me to ask Nancy for a divorce. She even came to my house and rang the bell to make Nancy confirm it."

"That's insane--"

"Oh, she's a cuckoo chick all right. But what can I do? I just got dropped by both Columbia and MCA. Ava's the big bread winner--"

"Speaking of which, it's your bet, Frank...."

"Have you even been listening?"

"I heard the whole thing. Your bet."

"Man's best friend, my ass. Come on, Snuffy... The least you could do is offer some advice."

"Beware the beast Man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone among God's primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed...."

"I'm all-in."

Mammal 2 Mammal

"It's funny you say that, cause we should be in a band, you know? But, to be honest, we didn't plan to wear the same color today..."

"Bubbles dresses himself."

"Course I do. This shirt is imported Italian nylon, and it's a special-edition, limited silk print. And red. Obviously. Last I heard Michael was gonna wear black--"

"Let it go, Bubbles."

"Sure.... It's not like I'm trying to get people to take me seriously--to stop thinking of me as an extension of you--an accessory."

"I didn't know you were gonna wear red."

"You know everything that happens at Neverland!"

"Can we just--"

"Everything!"

"Please stop talking for just a minute. None of these shots are useable..."

"Fine. Not gonna move a muscle..."

"You can smile at least."

"Nope. Not a muscle."

"But these are for our Christmas card."

"Merry fuckin' Christmas."

Lovebirds 2

"Now when we get in this meeting, you make sure they know we ain't together. Cause I don't need no hassles."

"Oh, god, Richard."

"Hey, we both dig white women; you know they're trouble."

"Richard..."

"The white men in there ain't gonna give us no deal. The black women are gonna look at me like I shot my Mama. I don't need that. So if this goes bad and we end up in front of a judge, you tell 'em I don't know you. 

"Hah!"

"Don't you laugh now, Lily, I'm serious--"

"I'm gonna give you a big kiss the second we walk in there."

"Well...we gonna be two dead mothafuckas."

"I love you, Juke..."

"Love you too, Opal."

Lovebirds 1

“We talked for hours on our first date. He was a Civil War buff, loved horses, and knew a lot about wine. In fact, he had a broad knowledge--”

“A knowledge of broads!”

“Oh, Ronnie!”

“Just kidding. But I did go with a lot of ladies. You know, I even had a short fling with Marilyn Monroe.”

“He brings that up all the time.”

“Doris Day, Susan Hayward, Betty Grable, Lana Turner--”

“Ronnie, this interview is for a family magazine--”

“You wanna talk family? I dated both Joan and Gloria Blondell--”

“No one wants to hear about other women.”

“Fine. Do you know that for years Errol Flynn kept trying to kiss me on the mouth…?”

“Anyway… On the day we got married I was pregnant with our daughter Patti. She was born seven months later.”

“Back then they called it a lust baby. We couldn't wait. Heck, you’ve still got that hot body, Mommy.”

“He’s not always like this!”

“All these punk-ola bands try to brand me as a stiff. Well, when I was back in Hollywood, there was only one thing stiff about me!”

“Goodness, Ronnie!”

“You know... I once had a little something with Marilyn Monroe….”