Rock On 1

"You're so 'andsome, Marc."

"Thanks, Ringo."

"Like, really really 'andsome."

"I appreciate that."

"Can I touch yer face?"

"I'd rather you didn't."

"But I'm a Beatle."

"Nevertheless I'd rath--"

"I'm gonna touch it..."

"Will someone go and get my wife, June, please...?"

On Location 7

"Well, we were at Shepperton for a sequence on the docks, but we're here at Elstree starting today."

"And what are you boys up to?"

"It's a period piece, Mr. Nicholson."

"Petticoats and britches, eh, James? Are you journeying to the center of the Earth again?"

"No, it's a rollicking mystery set in Victorian London."

"Hey, we've all gotta pay the bills. Nothing wrong with a little prostitution, artistically speaking. This here's a spook film I'm working on--"

"No, no, it's actually a brilliant script. It pits Sherlock Holmes against Jack the Ripper."

"Your voice is perfect for Holmes, James."

"Point of fact, I play Doctor Watson."

"That sounds fine to me. Everybody wants to play quarterback, but there's no shame in carrying the water. Am I right?"

"I say--"

"Your father's a terribly talented man. I don't know what crap he's making now, but have you girls seen Lolita...?"

"We're leaving, children."

Strange Bedfellows 10

"We'd love to take a picture, thank you. Truman's my favorite author! Make sure you print that."

"I'mmm your hossst...Lionel Twwwain."

"He's just joking... Tru... Stay awake. He's such a joker!"

"A commmplete vegetabllle diet..."

"He's always trying to get me to slim down! Tru... What's wrong with you? These are reporters... "

"You all missstake what you asssume... They nevvver leffft the dining roommm..."

"Tru... Stand up straight. He just adores wordplay! Such a genius."

"Count the nummmbersss one to tennn... Turn the knob... and try againnn..."

"Truman's just-- "

"Jamesss Coco is a BITCHHH!"

"Umm... Have any of you guys seen Mr. Waters?"

"A BITCHHH!"

Jamming 5

🎶 🎶 "I lost myself on a cool damp night...
I gave myself in that misty light.
Was hypnotized by a strange delight...
Under a lilac treeeee... 🎶 🎶

Who the fuck let Don Adams in the control booth...?"

"He said you invited him--"

"I did not! I say that most assuredly!"

"Okay.... He's leaving, Mr. Price."

"I did one episode of Get Smart last year, and that nightclub vagabond has been a plague upon me ever since!"

"He's gone, Mr. Price. He won't get in again--"

"I made the mistake of being his plus-one for a Coasters concert at The Cinnamon Cinder, but that does not a friendship make!"

"We're very sorry, Vincent. Please don't let it throw you. Can we--"

"It shant throw me. I'm a professional."

"Would you like to take a break, or--"

"Fuck it, I'm going again! Punch me in... 

🎶 🎶 I made wine from the lilac tree,

Put my heart in its recipe...

It makes me see what I want to see...

And be what I want to beeee... 🎶 🎶

I see you, Adams! I see you!" 

Jamming 4

"What time you got, Mikey?"

"Half past dread...."

"What now...?"

"Half past dread."

"Dread-thirty? What's that in, like, Greenwich mean time?"

"I'm just messin' wit'chu, Paul. Time to head to the studio."

"Don't bother. Mick's bringin' in his girlfriend to sing on that Hitsville track."

"Ellen Foley...? Dat's today? We gotta go!" 

"Why?"

"I love Bat Outta Hell!"

"You like Meatloaf?"

"I love dat big sexy byyastard--but my favorite part of de record is where the deejay starts toasting."

"I don't remember any deejay on that, Mikey."

"He's called de Scootah!"

"Never heard o' him."

"Paul--ya nevah heard of de Scootah? Hear ya now...
'Battah steps up to de plate... 
Here's de pitch... He's going.... 
And what a jump he's got, he's trying for turd... 
Here's de trow, it's in de dirt! Safe at turd! 
Holy cow, stolen base! 
He's taking a pretty big lead out dare... 
Almost daring him to try and pick him off.... 
De pitchah glances over, winds up, and it's bunted! 
Bunted down de turd base line.... 
De suicide squeeze is on! 
Here he comes--squeeze play--it's gonna be close, 
Holy cow... I tink he's gonna make it--'"

"Stop right there!"

On Location 5

"Yaphet, what'chu doin' out here?"

"Had to get some air. Jim Backus just bent my ear for an hour."

"Oh, that motherfucker's relentless. Good stories, but after a while--"

"Do I really give a fuck if Van Johnson tried to grab his dick while filming The Pied Piper of Hamelin?"

"He's nice, though."

"He's nice, Pam, but he keeps tryin' to get me to sign on for an episode of some shit called The New Adventures of Gilligan."

"What the fuck? They're finally gonna get some color on that island? Hey, might be good for little kids to see a Black man on--"

"Yeah, a cartoon Black."

"Well, you know those shows always soften the edges on Black charact--"

"No, no, I'd be an actual cartoon. It's animated."

"Oh."

"Yeah...."

"Hmm... So Van Johnson tried to grab his dick, huh?"

Lovebirds 2

"Now when we get in this meeting, you make sure they know we ain't together. Cause I don't need no hassles."

"Oh, god, Richard."

"Hey, we both dig white women; you know they're trouble."

"Richard..."

"The white men in there ain't gonna give us no deal. The black women are gonna look at me like I shot my Mama. I don't need that. So if this goes bad and we end up in front of a judge, you tell 'em I don't know you. 

"Hah!"

"Don't you laugh now, Lily, I'm serious--"

"I'm gonna give you a big kiss the second we walk in there."

"Well...we gonna be two dead mothafuckas."

"I love you, Juke..."

"Love you too, Opal."

MAMMAL 2 MUPPETS

"There's so many of us, there's so many of us, there's so many!" 
"There's so many of us, there's so many of us, there's so many!" 
"There's so many of us, there's so many of us, there's so many!" 
"There's so many of us, there's so many of us, there's so many!" 

"LET'S HAVE A WAR!" 
"SO YOU CAN GO AND DIE!"
"LET'S HAVE A WAR!" 
"WE CAN ALL USE THE MONEY!"
"LET'S HAVE A WAR!" 
"WE NEED THE SPACE!"
"LET'S HAVE A WAR!" 
"CLEAN OUT THIS PLACE!"

"IT ALLLLLREADY STARTEEEEED
IN THE CITYYYYY...."

"SUBURBIAAAAA WILL BE...
JUST AS EASYYYYY!!!!!"

On Location 3

"You know, Gary, I have a soft spot in my heart for retarded kids."

"Umm... That's great, Gil."

"I first worked with the retarded in college. Retarded kids have a beautiful quality that I always found very warm...."

"Cool... Sounds really rewarding."

"It is. You know at the last Special Olympics, right here in L.A., I worked as a hugger."

"What's a hugger?"

"The retarded kids run a race, and when they cross the finish line they get a hug. All of 'em. Regardless of their finish time."

"Oh."

"You know I really admire you, Gary. Everything you've accomplished."

"Gil... I'm not retarded."

"Of course you're not. You're a very special person."

"Thank you."

"Very special..."

"Don't hug me."

Strange Bedfellows 3

"Haha! No, Woody doesn't wanna dance."

"I don't dance."

"I'm the dancer."

"Michael's the dancer."

"You could learn if I taught you."

"No, no... I have the coordination of a toddler with 
polio."

"Anyway, Happy Birthday, Bianca!"

"Yes, Happy Birthday. You know... if you'd like, I can convert that to your Hebrew birthday."

"She doesn't care about that, Woody."

"You think I do...?"

Strange Bedfellows 2

"Where were you?"

"Do you know what time it is?"

"It's late."

"Did you have fun...?"

"Bill was worried."

"I wasn't worried, Steve. I was concerned."

"Very concerned."

"We're glad you're home."

"We missed you."

"We so did." 

"Did you remember to pick up blank CD-RW discs?"

"CD-Rs are okay too."

"I guess...."

"They're fine, Steve. Would you like some tea?"

"Look.... We're into you."

"We both are."

"We're both really into you...."

Can Your Dracula Do One-Armed Pushups?

I finally watched Bram Stoker's Dracula, directed by Dan Curtis and written by Richard Matheson. Yes, that Richard Matheson (I Am Legend, Duel, What Dreams May Come, The Shrinking Man, Hell House, and a shizzton of Twilight Zones). It's long been considered one of the best horror TV-movies of the Nixon-era '70s, and I think deservedly so. Curtis was the brain behind Dark Shadows and he knew how to squeeze all the creepy out of the cast. The production values are also first rate, featuring less-than-lush film locations in both Hungary and England.

A lot of the stylistic touches and inventiveness Francis Ford Coppola took credit for in his Bram Stoker's Dracula were born here. What truly elevates this flick from the pack, though, is the performance of Jack Palance. Each year of Dracula's undead life is written in every nook and cranny of Palance's craggy face. Gary Oldman needed two hours of makeup to accomplish the skin tone Palance simply garnered from smoking a thousand packs of Lucky Strikes. 

As you can imagine, Palance's Dracula comes across as more he-man woman-hater than hopeless romantic, smacking men aside and ripping women's throats open. You know... just a typical Thursday night at a bar for Jack Palance. Because of this, he's far more believable (albeit less likable) than Oldman's pretty-boy count. Though, to be honest, Palance seldom comes across as fully human in any role he's ever done. In fact, if he rocked the prosthetic fangs in all his other movies, his performances might have been more believable.

Curtis and Matheson would reunite to kick more TV-movie ass in Trilogy of Terror, Dead of Night and The Death Strangler, but sadly there was no Bram Stoker's Dracula sequel, as Palance turned down several offers to reprise his role. I for one lay awake at night heartsick that we were denied Dracula 2: The Legend of Curly's Blood.

Strange Bedfellows 1

"Got this here flashlight, guv'ment issue for all Federal agents. I'm a Federal agent, but that's real hush-hush like. I shouldn't even talk about it. And this here glove... guv'ment issue too. I lost the other glove somewhere. You want a cigarillo, Glen...? No? Doctor Pepper...? I got soda. All kinds. What time this here weddin' start anyways?"

Ed Wood: Taxi Driver

I'm proud to present my new ebook, Ed Wood: Taxi Driver, a fictional mash-up of two of my all-time favorite films: Tim Burton's Ed Wood and Martin Scorsese's Taxi Driver. Hopefully simply by reading it, you can tell how much I love both films. You can purchase a copy or check out a free sample by clicking below.




I tasked my good friend Geof with making some sketches for the cover. This is the one I used...

And these are a couple of outtakes...

Few people can follow me through all my retro-pop-culture rabbit holes, but I'm hoping a few of you brave souls hop in the backseat and enjoy the journey. But roll up your windows, because the fire hydrants are wide open and spraying!

-Hollis