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October 13, 2017

Strange Bedfellows 9



"Hi, I'm Steve McQueen, and I served in the Marine Corps from 1947 through 1950..."

"And I'm Jackie Gleason, 4-F."

"No matter if you've served honorably in the armed services..."

"Or were too portly to serve..."

"It's important to remember that blindly following morons doesn't make you a patriot."

"Especially if the President is A BUM!"

"And whether in-person or over mass media, there's no excuse for bullying."

"Especially if the President is A BLABBERMOUTH!"

"So remember--"

"A BLABBERMOUTH!"

"So--"

"BLABBERMOUTH!"

September 15, 2017

Jamming 5


🎶 ðŸŽ¶ "I lost myself on a cool damp night...
I gave myself in that misty light.
Was hypnotized by a strange delight...
Under a lilac treeeee... 
🎶 ðŸŽ¶
Who the fuck let Don Adams in the control booth...?"

"He said you invited him--"

"I did not! I say that most assuredly!"

"Okay.... He's leaving, Mr. Price."

"I did one episode of Get Smart last year, and that nightclub vagabond has been a plague upon me ever since!"

"He's gone, Mr. Price. He won't get in again--"

"I made the mistake of being his plus-one for a Coasters concert at The Cinnamon Cinder, but that does not a friendship make!"

"We're very sorry, Vincent. Please don't let it throw you. Can we--"

"It shant throw me. I'm a professional."

"Would you like to take a break, or--"

"Fuck it, I'm going again! Punch me in... 
🎶 ðŸŽ¶ I made wine from the lilac tree,
Put my heart in its recipe...
It makes me see what I want to see...
And be what I want to beeee... ðŸŽ¶ ðŸŽ¶
I see you, Adams! I see you!" 


September 8, 2017

Jamming 4



"What time you got, Mikey?"

"Half past dread...."

"What now...?"

"Half past dread."

"Dread-thirty? What's that in, like, Greenwich mean time?"

"I'm just messin' wit'chu, Paul. Time to head to the studio."

"Don't bother. Mick's bringin' in his girlfriend to sing on that Hitsville track."

"Ellen Foley...? Dat's today? We gotta go!" 

"Why?"

"I love Bat Outta Hell!"

"You like Meatloaf?"

"I love dat big sexy byyastard--but my favorite part of de record is where the deejay starts toasting."

"I don't remember any deejay on that, Mikey."

"He's called de Scootah!"

"Never heard o' him."

"Paul--ya nevah heard of de Scootah? Hear ya now...
'Battah steps up to de plate... 
Here's de pitch... He's going.... 
And what a jump he's got, he's trying for turd... 
Here's de trow, it's in de dirt! Safe at turd
Holy cow, stolen base! 
He's taking a pretty big lead out dare... 
Almost daring him to try and pick him off.... 
De pitchah glances over, winds up, and it's bunted! 
Bunted down de turd base line.... 
De suicide squeeze is on! 
Here he comes--squeeze play--it's gonna be close, 
Holy cow... I tink he's gonna make it--'"

"Stop right there!"


September 5, 2017

Jamming 3




"Let's run through Moment's Notice again, Lee. I wanna get it right."


"Can I take another shot at the solo on Locomotion?"

"Hell no, I love what you did with that bent-ass horn."

"Hehe. Dizzy gave me this."

"You coming to the Five Spot later? Monk would love to see you...."

"I can't."

"You at Slugs' tonight...?"

"Nah."

"Where you at then?"

"I'm home. Have Gun--Will Travel is on."

"What the hell is Have Gun--Will Travel?"

"It's a new western, premiered last night. I'm already hooked. There's an encore presentation tonight."

"C'mon, Lee. Art's gonna be there. He's been talkin' about you joining the Messengers. You're practically in. Just gotta show your face--"

"Have Gun--Will Travel is on at nine-thirty. I'll swing by afterward, maybe around eleven."

"You serious...?"

Paladin--that's the cat's name--carries a forty-five caliber revolver in a leather holster with a silver chess knight symbol on it. Dresses all in black, real clean--"

"Sounds pretty cool, but--"

"He hands out these badass business cards--and check out the theme song--"

"I don't need to hear--"

🎶 "Have Gun Will Travel reads the card of a man, 

     a knight without armor in a savage land. 
     His fast gun for hire heeds the calling wind. 
     A soldier of fortune is the man called Paladin...." 🎶

"What time you say it was on?"



September 2, 2017

Jamming 2



🎶 "Cabo Wabo!" ðŸŽ¶

🎶 "Wango Tango!" ðŸŽ¶

"That L.A. Weekly review was right! This is totally what it would sound like if Guy Fieri made music!"

"That can't be a bad thing, Sammy!" 

"Oh, yeah! Keep playin' that sweet lick, Ted.... Here comes the Red Rocker..."

"Yeah! Freestyle it, Sammy!"

"Here we go... ðŸŽ¶      Got some Cabo Wabo and I'm drinkin' it down.... ðŸŽ¶ Throwin' back that agave and I'm hopin' I drown... ðŸŽ¶ Yeah! That Cabo Wabo just quenches my--"

"Hang on, hang on.... Sammy, let's try one without any mention of Cabo Wabo...."

"How 'bout Beach Bar Rum?"

"No. We're not writing a commercial."

"I thought we wanted to sound commercial. If I wanted gritty realism, I'd have stayed in Chickenfoot."

"Look, I don't even drink. Try something else, okay?"

"Okay, hit it... ðŸŽ¶ Got to Cabo San Lucas and I'm lookin' for a tasty dish now! ðŸŽ¶ Try the Meatloaf Cupcake at the Red Rocker Bar & Grill now!"

"Stop! C'mon, Sam. That doesn't even rhyme."

"Now totally rhymes with now...."

"I am going to hunt you."


September 1, 2017

Jamming



"Merle, it sure is a crazy coincidence that you were in the audience at one of my San Quentin concerts."

"You might say I was a captive audience, Johnny."

"Well now, I thank you for not tunnelin' out! Haha! You coulda tunneled out just like that little fella in The Great Escape; what was his name?"

"Steve McQueen?"

"Nah, the little Scottish fella.... What the hell was his name...?"

"I dunno, Johnny. Hey, how 'bout we sing that Jimmie Rogers medley...?" 

"June! What was that little Scottish fella's name in The Great Escape...? Nah, not him--the Scottish fella!"

"We could sing somethin' else if you want?"

"He gets shot at the fence, June! You know, after the Nazis find the tunnel named Tom...."

"What about a rendition of Sing Me Back Home, Johnny?"

"Just a minute, Merle. It'll come to me. I can see the little dude's face... Red-headed... Face kinda like a ferret...."

"Why don't I kick it off, and you join in whenever you're ready, okay...? Johnny...?"

"Had a nose sorta rodent-like...."

"Uhh, okay.... Here we go... ðŸŽ¶ The warden led a prisoner down the hallway to his doom... ðŸŽ¶ And I stood up to say good--"

"Ives!"


August 31, 2017

On Location 6



"What're them assholes marchin' for now?"

"It's an anti-gay rally, Jim."

"Dagnabbit, Don. Just yesterday they's marchin' against immigrants. Time for that it was Black people. Now they's marchin' against me...?

"They're marching against everybody; just give 'em time." 

"Signs all got misspellins... all they contractions is mixed up--"

"Oh, they're ignorant as hell, Jim. It goes with the hatred. What they really are is cowards."

"Those who lack the courage will always find a philosophy to justify it."

"Pithy and true!"

"If ya think about it, I guess our show could be doin' more for integration--"

"I'm always sayin' that to Andy! How the hell did you make A Face In The Crowd, and there's only one type of person living in this fake town?"

"Don, the only way to deal with an unfree world is to live so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion."

"You're gosh-darn right! Meanwhile these bastards are free to march right past our set. Tell you what...these fellas are goin' straight to hell."

"Hell is a special favor, which honors those who persistently harass it...."

"What the hell, Jim...?"

"I been readin' a shit-ton of Camus."



August 30, 2017

On Location 5




"Yaphet, what'chu doin' out here?"

"Had to get some air. Jim Backus just bent my ear for an hour."

"Oh, that motherfucker's relentless. Good stories, but after a while--"

"Do I really give a fuck if Van Johnson tried to grab his dick while filming The Pied Piper of Hamelin?"

"He's nice, though."

"He's nice, Pam, but he keeps tryin' to get me to sign on for an episode of some shit called The New Adventures of Gilligan."

"What the fuck? They're finally gonna get some color on that island? Hey, might be good for little kids to see a Black man on--"

"Yeah, a cartoon Black."

"Well, you know those shows always soften the edges on Black charact--"

"No, no, I'd be an actual cartoon. It's animated."

"Oh."

"Yeah...."

"Hmm... So Van Johnson tried to grab his dick, huh?"


August 28, 2017

Mammal 2 Mammal




"Fred MacMurray, Artie Shaw, Robert Taylor... Farley fuckin' Granger!"

"She is who she is, Frank."

"Ava just will not stay faithful to me, Snuffy."

"Faithful? Come on, Frank. Aren't you still married?"

"Not really, kiddo. Ava forced me to ask Nancy for a divorce. She even came to my house and rang the bell to make Nancy confirm it."

"That's insane--"

"Oh, she's a cuckoo chick all right. But what can I do? I just got dropped by both Columbia and MCA. Ava's the big bread winner--"

"Speaking of which, it's your bet, Frank...."

"Have you even been listening?"

"I heard the whole thing. Your bet."

"Man's best friend, my ass. Come on, Snuffy... The least you could do is offer some advice."

"Beware the beast Man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone among God's primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed...."

"I'm all-in."


August 25, 2017

Mammal 2 Mammal



"It's funny you say that, cause we should be in a band, you know? But, to be honest, we didn't plan to wear the same color today..."

"Bubbles dresses himself."

"Course I do. This shirt is imported Italian nylon, and it's a special-edition, limited silk print. And red. Obviously. Last I heard Michael was gonna wear black--"

"Let it go, Bubbles."

"Sure.... It's not like I'm trying to get people to take me seriously--to stop thinking of me as an extension of you--an accessory."

"I didn't know you were gonna wear red."

"You know everything that happens at Neverland!"

"Can we just--"

"Everything!"

"Please stop talking for just a minute. None of these shots are useable..."

"Fine. Not gonna move a muscle..."

"You can smile at least."

"Nope. Not a muscle."

"But these are for our Christmas card."

"Merry fuckin' Christmas."



Lovebirds 2




"Now when we get in this meeting, you make sure they know we ain't together. Cause I don't need no hassles."

"Oh, god, Richard."

"Hey, we both dig white women; you know they're trouble."

"Richard..."

"The white men in there ain't gonna give us no deal. The black women are gonna look at me like I shot my Mama. I don't need that. So if this goes bad and we end up in front of a judge, you tell 'em I don't know you. 

"Hah!"

"Don't you laugh now, Lily, I'm serious--"

"I'm gonna give you a big kiss the second we walk in there."

"Well...we gonna be two dead mothafuckas."

"I love you, Juke..."

"Love you too, Opal."

August 24, 2017

Lovebirds 1




“We talked for hours on our first date. He was a Civil War buff, loved horses, and knew a lot about wine. In fact, he had a broad knowledge--

“A knowledge of broads!”

“Oh, Ronnie!”

“Just kidding. But I did go with a lot of ladies. You know, I even had a short fling with Marilyn Monroe.”

“He brings that up all the time.”

“Doris Day, Susan Hayward, Betty Grable, Lana Turner--

“Ronnie, this interview is for a family magazine--

“You wanna talk family? I dated both Joan and Gloria Blondell--”

“No one wants to hear about other women.”

“Fine. Do you know that for years Errol Flynn kept trying to kiss me on the mouth…?”

“Anyway… On the day we got married I was pregnant with our daughter Patti. She was born seven months later.”

“Back then they called it a lust baby. We couldn't wait. Heck, you’ve still got that hot body, Mommy.”

“He’s not always like this!”

“All these punk-ola bands try to brand me as a stiff. Well, when I was back in Hollywood, there was only one thing stiff about me!

“Goodness, Ronnie!”

“You know... I once had a little something with Marilyn Monroe….”


August 23, 2017

On Location 4




"So we open with Lick It Up--"

"That'll get 'em going."

"For sure. Then we go into Easy As It Seems--"

"Underrated."

"No doubt. Then into Burn Bitch Burn--"

"That reminds me, Paul, I keep meaning to tell you... Can we have all the music drop out right before I sing the line, 'Wanna put my log in your fireplace...' Then the music kicks back in!"

"Great fuckin' idea. I'll tell Vinnie."

"Will you tell Vinnie?"

"Yeah, I'll tell him."

"Cause I can't talk to that guy."

"He's difficult--"

"He's short."

"Too short. He really is."

"Did he sign the papers yet?"

"Not yet."

"I'm not paying that guy until he signs."

"Agreed--"

"You watch him sign, Paul."

"Will do.... Okay, then we go into Bang Bang You--"

"Great track."

"It is, right?"

"So good."

"It really really is."

August 22, 2017

MAMMAL 2 MUPPETS



"There's so many of us, there's so many of us, there's so many!" 
"There's so many of us, there's so many of us, there's so many!" 
"There's so many of us, there's so many of us, there's so many!" 
"There's so many of us, there's so many of us, there's so many!" 

"LET'S HAVE A WAR!" 
"SO YOU CAN GO AND DIE!"
"LET'S HAVE A WAR!" 
"WE CAN ALL USE THE MONEY!"
"LET'S HAVE A WAR!" 
"WE NEED THE SPACE!"
"LET'S HAVE A WAR!" 
"CLEAN OUT THIS PLACE!"

"IT ALLLLLREADY STARTEEEEED
IN THE CITYYYYY...."

"SUBURBIAAAAA WILL BE...
JUST AS EASYYYYY!!!!!"

Reunited 1




"Now, which one of you played Augustus Gloop...?"

"Zzzeriouzly? I'm varing fecking lederhosssen!"

"Sorry. Uh, Rusty, you played an Oompa Loompa--"

"The head Oompa Loompa."

"Right--the head Oompa Loompa."

"Why are you the only Oompa Loompa here today?"

"We live hard, baby girl. Lost a lot of players in this game over the years."

"And what have you been up to?"

"Playin' Jawas and shit. Did a nickel up in Chino. After that, I was a goblin in them Harry Potter films. Since then, just rippin' and runnin'. You know."

"Okay.... Mike Teevee, you were my favorite as a kid. What--"

"You don't wanna talk to Paris. Everything you want is right here, baby."

"Ugh, here we go again--"

"Don't piss me off, Denise."

"Give us a break, Rusty--"

"Shut the fuck up, Peter!"

"Rusty, I have to interview all of you."

"Fine. What'chu doing after this? Wanna grab a drink and see whass'up?"

"I don't. Rusty, you don't really sound British?"

"I'll treat you like the Queen, though."

August 21, 2017

Strange Bedfellows 8




"I need to speak to everyone in Manowar. All four of you... It says here, 'He was met at the gates of Hades by the guardian of the lost souls--' So this is referring to the Bible verse...? In Matthew...?"

"Um... I guess."

"Well, is it or isn't it, Joey?"

"Yeah, I mean, it is."

"Then there is not someone guarding the gates. For they are metaphorical gates. You see, Peter is the rock upon which--"

"Orson, can we just run it again--"

"I can't read it until I understand what you mean."

"Well--"

"No one is guarding these gates. Why would they? Wouldn't the devil want you to enter easily?"

"Hmmm...."

"Moreover, down here it says, 'woeful tears of the unavenged.' Doesn't it go without saying that tears are woeful...? They're tears."

"We could say sad tears...."

"That's worse! That's just idiotic. Who is speaking now?"

"I'm Donnie--"

"Which one of you is Ross the Boss? There's too many bosses around here!"

August 20, 2017

Mammal 2 Mammal





"Please put me down, Ryan. There's girls here."

"Let 'em see. Let all those bitches see what a bad boy you are."

"This is so emasculating."

"Trust me. They're gonna think you're a very bad boy. Bitches love bad boys. They'll say, Who is that dog who's so bad he can't even be put down?"

"They're laughing."

"Bitches laugh when they're interested."

"I dunno, Ryan."

"You know what you are? You're leash proof. That's what they'll call you."

"You think?"

"Hey, who knows bitches...?"

"Gosl--"

"Gosling knows bitches. You're fuckin' A right."




Mammal 2 Mammal




"Hey there! Aren't you just beautiful. Well, you're just a big ol' horse, ain't ya?"

"Why, yes."

"I absolutely love horses."

"Glad to hear it. I'm a huge fan."

"Well, aren't you just sweet as sugar!"

"I was actually foaled in the same part of Eastern Tennessee that you're from."

"No foolin?"

"Cocke County, right next to Sevier."

"I tell you what, neighbor, I'm gonna sing a song just for you. Is there one song you'd really like to hear?"

"Oh, wow. It's so hard to pick; I love so many.... Nine to Five... Jolene... I Will Always Love You--"

"I know! I'm gonna sing Coat of Many Colors!"

"Ugh."

"What now?"

"I... I said, thanks."




August 18, 2017

Strange Bedfellows 7





"Fuck that, Angela. Ya didn't escape The Blitz, and bury two husbands to be told no! Ya walk down to the Walter Kerr Theater and tell those bastards that ya are Madame Armfeldt!"

"I don't know, Bea. I think they'll give me every consideration. After all, I've a long Broadway track record."

"Yeah, but ya spent a dozen years on TV. Theater people have the memory of a flea. Ya gotta fight for that role."

"Perhaps I'll drop a line to Zeta-Jones. She just signed on, and I'm sure she'd recommend me."

"I'll talk to Catherine."

"Please don't. After all, it's not up to her. It's up to the director."

"You're right. I'll lean on the director." 

"Oh, dear. Please don't do anything untoward."

"I drove a truck in the Marine Corps, Angela. I think I know how to lean on someone."

"Oh, my...."

"Do you know what fragging is?"

"No."

"Don't worry. This will never come back to you."

"Bea, please don't--"

"Message received."

"No, no. I'm saying, Don't."

"Duly noted. Consider yourself blameless.

"Oh, my...."




August 17, 2017

On Location 3




"You know, Gary, I have a soft spot in my heart for retarded kids."

"Umm... That's great, Gil."

"I first worked with the retarded in college. Retarded kids have a beautiful quality that I always found very warm...."

"Cool... Sounds really rewarding."

"It is. You know at the last Special Olympics, right here in L.A., I worked as a hugger."

"What's a hugger?"

"The retarded kids run a race, and when they cross the finish line they get a hug. All of 'em. Regardless of their finish time."

"Oh."

"You know I really admire you, Gary. Everything you've accomplished."

"Gil... I'm not retarded."

"Of course you're not. You're a very special person."

"Thank you."

"Very special..."

"Don't hug me."

August 16, 2017

On Location 2



"Hahaha! Gene! Majel! Listen to this. You've seen the Green Hornet TV show, right?"

"Can we finish the take first, Bill?"

"Hang on, Leonard, they'll love this..."

"Fine."

"So there's this Chinaman in a chauffeur's outfit--"

"Sorry, George."

"Leonard, what are you apologizing to Takei for? He's a Jap. I haven't even gotten to the funny part yet."

"It isn't that funny."

"Well, why don't you let me tell them, Leonard, and let them decide?"

"Fine."

"So this Chinaman is a martial arts genius. Hi-yah! And his black belt got arrested-- Where are you guys going? You're gonna miss the best part...."

"There is no best part."

"Damn it, Leonard! Let me tell it. Takei--where are you going...? Doohan...? DeForest, listen... This Chinaman's black belt got arrested. They arrested his black belt. Ask me what for..."

"Let it go, Bill."

"Let me finish, Leonard! It got arrested because it held up a pair of pants.... A pair of pants! Don'cha get it...?"

"Oh, they get it all right."

"Damn it, Leonard!"