On Location 6

"What're them assholes marchin' for now?"

"It's an anti-gay rally, Jim."

"Dagnabbit, Don. Just yesterday they's marchin' against immigrants. Time for that it was Black people. Now they's marchin' against me...?

"They're marching against everybody; just give 'em time." 

"Signs all got misspellins... all they contractions is mixed up--"

"Oh, they're ignorant as hell, Jim. It goes with the hatred. What they really are is cowards."

"Those who lack the courage will always find a philosophy to justify it."

"Pithy and true!"

"If ya think about it, I guess our show could be doin' more for integration--"

"I'm always sayin' that to Andy! How the hell did you make A Face In The Crowd, and there's only one type of person living in this fake town?"

"Don, the only way to deal with an unfree world is to live so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion."

"You're gosh-darn right! Meanwhile these bastards are free to march right past our set. Tell you what...these fellas are goin' straight to hell."

"Hell is a special favor, which honors those who persistently harass it...."

"What the hell, Jim...?"

"I been readin' a shit-ton of Camus."

On Location 5

"Yaphet, what'chu doin' out here?"

"Had to get some air. Jim Backus just bent my ear for an hour."

"Oh, that motherfucker's relentless. Good stories, but after a while--"

"Do I really give a fuck if Van Johnson tried to grab his dick while filming The Pied Piper of Hamelin?"

"He's nice, though."

"He's nice, Pam, but he keeps tryin' to get me to sign on for an episode of some shit called The New Adventures of Gilligan."

"What the fuck? They're finally gonna get some color on that island? Hey, might be good for little kids to see a Black man on--"

"Yeah, a cartoon Black."

"Well, you know those shows always soften the edges on Black charact--"

"No, no, I'd be an actual cartoon. It's animated."

"Oh."

"Yeah...."

"Hmm... So Van Johnson tried to grab his dick, huh?"

Mammal 2 Mammal

"Fred MacMurray, Artie Shaw, Robert Taylor... Farley fuckin' Granger!"

"She is who she is, Frank."

"Ava just will not stay faithful to me, Snuffy."

"Faithful? Come on, Frank. Aren't you still married?"

"Not really, kiddo. Ava forced me to ask Nancy for a divorce. She even came to my house and rang the bell to make Nancy confirm it."

"That's insane--"

"Oh, she's a cuckoo chick all right. But what can I do? I just got dropped by both Columbia and MCA. Ava's the big bread winner--"

"Speaking of which, it's your bet, Frank...."

"Have you even been listening?"

"I heard the whole thing. Your bet."

"Man's best friend, my ass. Come on, Snuffy... The least you could do is offer some advice."

"Beware the beast Man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone among God's primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed...."

"I'm all-in."

Mammal 2 Mammal

"It's funny you say that, cause we should be in a band, you know? But, to be honest, we didn't plan to wear the same color today..."

"Bubbles dresses himself."

"Course I do. This shirt is imported Italian nylon, and it's a special-edition, limited silk print. And red. Obviously. Last I heard Michael was gonna wear black--"

"Let it go, Bubbles."

"Sure.... It's not like I'm trying to get people to take me seriously--to stop thinking of me as an extension of you--an accessory."

"I didn't know you were gonna wear red."

"You know everything that happens at Neverland!"

"Can we just--"

"Everything!"

"Please stop talking for just a minute. None of these shots are useable..."

"Fine. Not gonna move a muscle..."

"You can smile at least."

"Nope. Not a muscle."

"But these are for our Christmas card."

"Merry fuckin' Christmas."

Lovebirds 2

"Now when we get in this meeting, you make sure they know we ain't together. Cause I don't need no hassles."

"Oh, god, Richard."

"Hey, we both dig white women; you know they're trouble."

"Richard..."

"The white men in there ain't gonna give us no deal. The black women are gonna look at me like I shot my Mama. I don't need that. So if this goes bad and we end up in front of a judge, you tell 'em I don't know you. 

"Hah!"

"Don't you laugh now, Lily, I'm serious--"

"I'm gonna give you a big kiss the second we walk in there."

"Well...we gonna be two dead mothafuckas."

"I love you, Juke..."

"Love you too, Opal."

Lovebirds 1

“We talked for hours on our first date. He was a Civil War buff, loved horses, and knew a lot about wine. In fact, he had a broad knowledge--”

“A knowledge of broads!”

“Oh, Ronnie!”

“Just kidding. But I did go with a lot of ladies. You know, I even had a short fling with Marilyn Monroe.”

“He brings that up all the time.”

“Doris Day, Susan Hayward, Betty Grable, Lana Turner--”

“Ronnie, this interview is for a family magazine--”

“You wanna talk family? I dated both Joan and Gloria Blondell--”

“No one wants to hear about other women.”

“Fine. Do you know that for years Errol Flynn kept trying to kiss me on the mouth…?”

“Anyway… On the day we got married I was pregnant with our daughter Patti. She was born seven months later.”

“Back then they called it a lust baby. We couldn't wait. Heck, you’ve still got that hot body, Mommy.”

“He’s not always like this!”

“All these punk-ola bands try to brand me as a stiff. Well, when I was back in Hollywood, there was only one thing stiff about me!”

“Goodness, Ronnie!”

“You know... I once had a little something with Marilyn Monroe….”

On Location 4

"So we open with Lick It Up--"

"That'll get 'em going."

"For sure. Then we go into Easy As It Seems--"

"Underrated."

"No doubt. Then into Burn Bitch Burn--"

"That reminds me, Paul, I keep meaning to tell you... Can we have all the music drop out right before I sing the line, 'Wanna put my log in your fireplace...' Then the music kicks back in!"

"Great fuckin' idea. I'll tell Vinnie."

"Will you tell Vinnie?"

"Yeah, I'll tell him."

"Cause I can't talk to that guy."

"He's difficult--"

"He's short."

"Too short. He really is."

"Did he sign the papers yet?"

"Not yet."

"I'm not paying that guy until he signs."

"Agreed--"

"You watch him sign, Paul."

"Will do.... Okay, then we go into Bang Bang You--"

"Great track."

"It is, right?"

"So good."

"It really really is."

MAMMAL 2 MUPPETS

"There's so many of us, there's so many of us, there's so many!" 
"There's so many of us, there's so many of us, there's so many!" 
"There's so many of us, there's so many of us, there's so many!" 
"There's so many of us, there's so many of us, there's so many!" 

"LET'S HAVE A WAR!" 
"SO YOU CAN GO AND DIE!"
"LET'S HAVE A WAR!" 
"WE CAN ALL USE THE MONEY!"
"LET'S HAVE A WAR!" 
"WE NEED THE SPACE!"
"LET'S HAVE A WAR!" 
"CLEAN OUT THIS PLACE!"

"IT ALLLLLREADY STARTEEEEED
IN THE CITYYYYY...."

"SUBURBIAAAAA WILL BE...
JUST AS EASYYYYY!!!!!"

Reunited 1

"Now, which one of you played Augustus Gloop...?"

"Zzzeriouzly? I'm varing fecking lederhosssen!"

"Sorry. Uh, Rusty, you played an Oompa Loompa--"

"The head Oompa Loompa."

"Right--the head Oompa Loompa."

"Why are you the only Oompa Loompa here today?"

"We live hard, baby girl. Lost a lot of players in this game over the years."

"And what have you been up to?"

"Playin' Jawas and shit. Did a nickel up in Chino. After that, I was a goblin in them Harry Potter films. Since then, just rippin' and runnin'. You know."

"Okay.... Mike Teevee, you were my favorite as a kid. What--"

"You don't wanna talk to Paris. Everything you want is right here, baby."

"Ugh, here we go again--"

"Don't piss me off, Denise."

"Give us a break, Rusty--"

"Shut the fuck up, Peter!"

"Rusty, I have to interview all of you."

"Fine. What'chu doing after this? Wanna grab a drink and see whass'up?"

"I don't. Rusty, you don't really sound British?"

"I'll treat you like the Queen, though."

Strange Bedfellows 8

"I need to speak to everyone in Manowar. All four of you... It says here, 'He was met at the gates of Hades by the guardian of the lost souls--' So this is referring to the Bible verse...? In Matthew...?"

"Um... I guess."

"Well, is it or isn't it, Joey?"

"Yeah, I mean, it is."

"Then there is not someone guarding the gates. For they are metaphorical gates. You see, Peter is the rock upon which--"

"Orson, can we just run it again--"

"I can't read it until I understand what you mean."

"Well--"

"No one is guarding these gates. Why would they? Wouldn't the devil want you to enter easily?"

"Hmmm...."

"Moreover, down here it says, 'woeful tears of the unavenged.' Doesn't it go without saying that tears are woeful...? They're tears."

"We could say sad tears...."

"That's worse! That's just idiotic. Who is speaking now?"

"I'm Donnie--"

"Which one of you is Ross the Boss? There's too many bosses around here!"

Mammal 2 Mammal

"Please put me down, Ryan. There's girls here."

"Let 'em see. Let all those bitches see what a bad boy you are."

"This is so emasculating."

"Trust me. They're gonna think you're a very bad boy. Bitches love bad boys. They'll say, Who is that dog who's so bad he can't even be put down?"

"They're laughing."

"Bitches laugh when they're interested."

"I dunno, Ryan."

"You know what you are? You're leash proof. That's what they'll call you."

"You think?"

"Hey, who knows bitches...?"

"Gosl--"

"Gosling knows bitches. You're fuckin' A right."

Mammal 2 Mammal

"Hey there! Aren't you just beautiful. Well, you're just a big ol' horse, ain't ya?"

"Why, yes."

"I absolutely love horses."

"Glad to hear it. I'm a huge fan."

"Well, aren't you just sweet as sugar!"

"I was actually foaled in the same part of Eastern Tennessee that you're from."

"No foolin?"

"Cocke County, right next to Sevier."

"I tell you what, neighbor, I'm gonna sing a song just for you. Is there one song you'd really like to hear?"

"Oh, wow. It's so hard to pick; I love so many.... Nine to Five... Jolene... I Will Always Love You--"

"I know! I'm gonna sing Coat of Many Colors!"

"Ugh."

"What now?"

"I... I said, thanks."

Strange Bedfellows 7

"Fuck that, Angela. Ya didn't escape The Blitz, and bury two husbands to be told no! Ya walk down to the Walter Kerr Theater and tell those bastards that ya are Madame Armfeldt!"

"I don't know, Bea. I think they'll give me every consideration. After all, I've a long Broadway track record."

"Yeah, but ya spent a dozen years on TV. Theater people have the memory of a flea. Ya gotta fight for that role."

"Perhaps I'll drop a line to Zeta-Jones. She just signed on, and I'm sure she'd recommend me."

"I'll talk to Catherine."

"Please don't. After all, it's not up to her. It's up to the director."

"You're right. I'll lean on the director." 

"Oh, dear. Please don't do anything untoward."

"I drove a truck in the Marine Corps, Angela. I think I know how to lean on someone."

"Oh, my...."

"Do you know what fragging is?"

"No."

"Don't worry. This will never come back to you."

"Bea, please don't--"

"Message received."

"No, no. I'm saying, Don't."

"Duly noted. Consider yourself blameless.

"Oh, my...."

On Location 3

"You know, Gary, I have a soft spot in my heart for retarded kids."

"Umm... That's great, Gil."

"I first worked with the retarded in college. Retarded kids have a beautiful quality that I always found very warm...."

"Cool... Sounds really rewarding."

"It is. You know at the last Special Olympics, right here in L.A., I worked as a hugger."

"What's a hugger?"

"The retarded kids run a race, and when they cross the finish line they get a hug. All of 'em. Regardless of their finish time."

"Oh."

"You know I really admire you, Gary. Everything you've accomplished."

"Gil... I'm not retarded."

"Of course you're not. You're a very special person."

"Thank you."

"Very special..."

"Don't hug me."

On Location 2

"Hahaha! Gene! Majel! Listen to this. You've seen the Green Hornet TV show, right?"

"Can we finish the take first, Bill?"

"Hang on, Leonard, they'll love this..."

"Fine."

"So there's this Chinaman in a chauffeur's outfit--"

"Sorry, George."

"Leonard, what are you apologizing to Takei for? He's a Jap. I haven't even gotten to the funny part yet."

"It isn't that funny."

"Well, why don't you let me tell them, Leonard, and let them decide?"

"Fine."

"So this Chinaman is a martial arts genius. Hi-yah! And his black belt got arrested-- Where are you guys going? You're gonna miss the best part...."

"There is no best part."

"Damn it, Leonard! Let me tell it. Takei--where are you going...? Doohan...? DeForest, listen... This Chinaman's black belt got arrested. They arrested his black belt. Ask me what for..."

"Let it go, Bill."

"Let me finish, Leonard! It got arrested because it held up a pair of pants.... A pair of pants! Don'cha get it...?"

"Oh, they get it all right."

"Damn it, Leonard!"

On Location 1

"Fuckin' Lancaster is sittin' in his trailer because it's too hot. You believe that shit, Woody...? Too hot for Jim Thorpe All American."

"Hehe. I forgot he played him. You should be nicer to Burt, though. Director loves him."

"Those PFCs stick together. Hey, how long's it been since we worked together, Woody?"

"The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence."

"Liberty fuckin' Valence. Jesus. It's been too long, my friend." 

"Glad to see you too. For a minute I thought I'd have to bunk with Jack Palance."

"Ugh. Palance! You know that asshole voted for Goldwater?"

"Goldwater?"

"Yeah, right now the Goldwater supporter is in the makeup tent gettin' made up to look like a Mexican."

"I wrestled a guy back in '52 looked just like Palance. He bit Bobo Brazil on the ass."

"Haha! Sounds like Palance. Ah shit.... You're just about the best friend I have, Woody."

"Love ya, Lee."

"Love you too, pal.... Love you too."

Strange Bedfellows 6

"How is this, Andy? Big smile...."

"Hmmm...? Oh, yeah, greaaaaat."

"Now this...mouth opened.... Still smiling!"

"Uh...perfect, Grace."

"Now I cock my head back.... I laugh loud!"

"Mmmm hmmm....."

"And now I-- What is this? Andy! You do not photo me at all!"

"What? No. That hobo has one leg.... Isn't he amaaaazing?"

"Why did I wear my biggest hat if you are just going to photo a one-legged hobo?"

"Oh, yeaaaaaah.... Great idea, Grace. Put your hat on the hobo..."

Strange Bedfellows 5

"The only thing is, she won't go out with me alone, you know...?"

"No..."

"No, what?"

"No." 

"No what, Corey? Who the fuck asked you anything? I didn't even ask you anything. At least hear what I have to say...."

"All right. What?"

"Okay, what.... She don't want to go out with a child star alone. She's prejudiced against child stars. Do you believe that? In this day and age? What the fuck is the world coming to? I can't believe this...prejudiced against child--a Jew broad--prejudiced against child stars. Anyway.... She won't go out with me alone unless her girlfriend comes with her. So I figured you could come along and go out with her girlfriend."

"See? I knew it! I knew it. I knew it. I knew it." 

"You knew what, Corey? See what? What the fuck is wrong with that?" 

"When is this?"

"Tomorrow night."

"I can't tomorrow night. I gotta meet Michael Jackson."

"You could meet M.J. You could fucking come early and then still go."

"Corey... Corey.... Why do you always do this to me?"

"Don't give me that fucking "Corey" shit. What the fuck I asked you for, Corey? I asked you for a favor. I do a lot of fucking favors for you, don't I? I'm trying to bang this fucking broad! You wanna help me out?"

Strange Bedfellows 4

"Okay, now you seem like someone looking to meet a great guy."

"She don't wanna meet me, John."

"Sly, she came to this mixer for a reason."

"She don't wanna meet me. I can tell."

"Sly, please.... Now, you think my friend is good looking, don't you?"

"C'mon, John. She ain't int'rested."

"You're single. My friend's single.... You like movies? Boxing movies?"

"No girl likes boxin' movies."

"This girl might."

"No girl does. I tol' ya I didn't wanna come tonight. Why'd ya make me?"

Strange Bedfellows 3

"Haha! No, Woody doesn't wanna dance."

"I don't dance."

"I'm the dancer."

"Michael's the dancer."

"You could learn if I taught you."

"No, no... I have the coordination of a toddler with 
polio."

"Anyway, Happy Birthday, Bianca!"

"Yes, Happy Birthday. You know... if you'd like, I can convert that to your Hebrew birthday."

"She doesn't care about that, Woody."

"You think I do...?"

Strange Bedfellows 2

"Where were you?"

"Do you know what time it is?"

"It's late."

"Did you have fun...?"

"Bill was worried."

"I wasn't worried, Steve. I was concerned."

"Very concerned."

"We're glad you're home."

"We missed you."

"We so did." 

"Did you remember to pick up blank CD-RW discs?"

"CD-Rs are okay too."

"I guess...."

"They're fine, Steve. Would you like some tea?"

"Look.... We're into you."

"We both are."

"We're both really into you...."

Can Your Dracula Do One-Armed Pushups?

I finally watched Bram Stoker's Dracula, directed by Dan Curtis and written by Richard Matheson. Yes, that Richard Matheson (I Am Legend, Duel, What Dreams May Come, The Shrinking Man, Hell House, and a shizzton of Twilight Zones). It's long been considered one of the best horror TV-movies of the Nixon-era '70s, and I think deservedly so. Curtis was the brain behind Dark Shadows and he knew how to squeeze all the creepy out of the cast. The production values are also first rate, featuring less-than-lush film locations in both Hungary and England.

A lot of the stylistic touches and inventiveness Francis Ford Coppola took credit for in his Bram Stoker's Dracula were born here. What truly elevates this flick from the pack, though, is the performance of Jack Palance. Each year of Dracula's undead life is written in every nook and cranny of Palance's craggy face. Gary Oldman needed two hours of makeup to accomplish the skin tone Palance simply garnered from smoking a thousand packs of Lucky Strikes. 

As you can imagine, Palance's Dracula comes across as more he-man woman-hater than hopeless romantic, smacking men aside and ripping women's throats open. You know... just a typical Thursday night at a bar for Jack Palance. Because of this, he's far more believable (albeit less likable) than Oldman's pretty-boy count. Though, to be honest, Palance seldom comes across as fully human in any role he's ever done. In fact, if he rocked the prosthetic fangs in all his other movies, his performances might have been more believable.

Curtis and Matheson would reunite to kick more TV-movie ass in Trilogy of Terror, Dead of Night and The Death Strangler, but sadly there was no Bram Stoker's Dracula sequel, as Palance turned down several offers to reprise his role. I for one lay awake at night heartsick that we were denied Dracula 2: The Legend of Curly's Blood.

Strange Bedfellows 1

"Got this here flashlight, guv'ment issue for all Federal agents. I'm a Federal agent, but that's real hush-hush like. I shouldn't even talk about it. And this here glove... guv'ment issue too. I lost the other glove somewhere. You want a cigarillo, Glen...? No? Doctor Pepper...? I got soda. All kinds. What time this here weddin' start anyways?"