…And Starring the Governator as the Roadrunner!

Back in 1979, Hal Needham—director of Cannonball Run and Smokey and the Bandit—could do no harm. That is, except for the harm caused to the senses of cinephiles who caught a whiff of the stinker he directed called The Villain. In it, Needham channeled his inner-Blake Edwards and concocted what seemed a surefire-slapstick hit at the box office, a real-life Warner Brothers cartoon. Only instead of Wile E. Coyote, living legend Kirk Douglas stars as the Acme-sponsored villain and Ahhhnold Schwartzenegger stars as a thick-accented roadrunner called “Handsome Stranger,” the strapping hero who always seems to evade harm. Ann-Margret is on hand as the love interest, in that mystifying midpoint between hopping into bed with a pre-’69-comeback Elvis and a 68-year-old Jack Lemmon.

It’s easily Arnold’s most embarrassing screen moment, which is saying something given the many film appearances in which the heavy-handed Arnold has carbo-loaded on scenery. It even out-razzies his earlier film Hercules in New York—a flick in which the “just off the boat” Arnold’s lines (all of which he spoke in English) had to be dubbed over…in English. What’s left is the worst dubbing job since Dikembe Motumbo’s ill-fated Merrill Lynch commercial.

So what, pray tell, is right with The Villain? Did someone say gratuitous cameos? Who would you cast to play an Indian Chief named Nervous Elk? If a few of you said Paul Lynde, you’re right! When Paul asks a brave if he wants “to Indian wrestle?” the look on that brave’s face belies a hidden fear that amyl-nitrate tabs and a ball-gag will be involved. Foster Brooks and Ruth Buzzi also cement their place in the pantheon of Dean-Martin-celebrity-roast escapees on film. Finally, the late great Jack Elam is on hand, because when it’s a Western, casting Jack Elam is the law. On a side note, I’m still pissed that Jack died before he could reprise his Cannonball Run role to make The Shakiest Proctologist in the West. It seemed like a natural.

Anyway, when you’re tired of popping in Killer Klowns From Outer Space, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, Plan 9 From Outer Space or any other film from the “So Bad It’s Good” canon, give The Villain a try. They really don't make movies like this anymore. See why for yourself.